On Drowning

 Have you ever heard of "secondary drowning"?  I hadn't until I read an article about a little girl who went swimming and had sucked up some water.  She seemed fine until she started getting a little lethargic and slept a lot.  Her mother knew something was up, and she was taken to the hospital and was found to have water in her lungs. Over the last couple days, she was slowly drowning.  She survived, thanks to her mother being attentive.

Jesus H. Christ. Where the hell was this in the new parent manual? 

My little girl was swimming at a friends pool, and I was in the pool with her.  She has been through 2 swim courses, and can swim, but she sure isn't a mermaid (Well, she is if you ask her).  Anyways, She was being a little more brave than I like, and proceeded to try and swim across our friends pool by herself.  She made it about half way, and started doing the floppy fish, so I knew that I had to help her.  I made it to her quickly, but she still sucked in some water.    

That night, I woke up at about 2 am with a heart rate of 150-ish, and a sudden, intense feeling of terror.  What if she still had water in her lungs?  Why didn't I check?  What if she is like that little girl in that article I read?  Was she acting weird? Did she seem tired?  What kind of parent am I, letting her try to swim across like that?  What would I do if something happened to her?  What the Hell is the matter with me?  How could my wife marry someone so careless?  Am I a helicopter parent?  Am I not doing enough?  This is going to be like the time I didn't recognize the cat was sick and died.  Jesus, I am going to fuck up her life.  

I went over the day over and over in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done differently.  I got out of bed and went to check on her and obviously, she was fine.  I sat with her for a couple more minutes to check her breathing.  When I got back to bed, I just laid there, going over everything - over and over in my mind again.  I had just checked on her, but I still couldn't shake the thoughts or the anxiety of everything.  I didn't sleep much that night. Stupid anxiety.