To Mama


Since aunt Cheryl passed, it has made me realize that I need to say the things to the people that mean the most to me.  I am not good at that.  I have always been the one to think wonderful things about people, but never say them out of some sort of weird anxiety.  You know what they say though, now is as good a time as any to start.

I have always appreciated the kooky hodgepodge of presents that you send.  It was actually one of my favorite things when I was young (actually, it still is).  I loved opening the box that you would send and picking out all the random things that you put in there.  They weren't the big-ticket items like most kids want, like game systems or other things.  They were things that you picked up because you thought of me.  That is what made them so damn special.  Most twenty-something-year-olds would look at a wind-up sushi toy and think "what the everlasting fuck am I supposed to do with this?".  But I knew that you saw that and thought of me because I was a sushi chef at the time.  You also know that I love little quirky things, especially if they make noise or they move, and that did both.  For me, it was a perfect gift.  Speaking of which, when I opened my presents this year, I could have never expected something so amazing.  You'd think a 45-year-old couldn't be excited about a hand-held "pet" game keychain, but when it's an original 1997 Tamagotchi, well...Let's just say it was an amazing gift.  

I miss being able to visit you and Fred every weekend too.  I really enjoyed those times we spent together.  It was nice to be able to just sit and talk with you both about everything.  You both gave me some really good advice, some of which I will pass on to your Sofia.  Hopefully, when we move back after this exile, we can visit you guys a lot more. 

You expressed to me when we talked that you were afraid that you weren't a good mother.  

You weren't the perfect mother.  

But, you were the perfect mom for me.  You are the single biggest part of why I am who I am today, and dammit, I like me (most days). We all have demons and we all make mistakes.  One of the most important things that I learned from you is that when we make mistakes, we learn from them, and we move on.  You were never too hard on me when I made mistakes, and you know that I make a lot, and some pretty big ones as well.  However, if I had been pushed to feel guilty about them for years and years, I don't think that I would have ever recovered from them.  I don't think that I would have the wonderful life that I have right now.  

Fred was also a big part of this as well, and I want him to know that, but this letter is for and about you.  Besides, Fred knows he's been a very positive influence in my life.  We've had a lot of talks while golfing or driving.

Anyway, I wanted to write this so that you'd know definitively that you were a good mother.  I wanted to squash any doubts or try to erase any regrets you might have.  Life is too short to deal with that shit.  Love you, Mama.  Merry Christmas.


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